As step-mom to a transgender teen, I have been repeatedly and relentlessly humbled by how much there is to learn and do when it comes to supporting him fully. For most of us parents, entering the world of what it means to be trans can be both gut-wrenching and overwhelming. I always thought of myself as being “supportive” and, certainly, professionals, other parents, and trans-people talk about how parents need to support their kids. But what exactly does that mean when coming out and transition are such a long and complicated process? I quickly learned that the devil is in the details. Here is a list of some of the things that took me beyond lip-service and into the real-life work of being a supportive parent.
- Be open to change! It is happening with or without you!
- Don’t over-share or process your own loss with your child. Find support elsewhere for processing your grief.
- Let your teen be immature. Trans kids sometimes need a do-over and may not be typically “age appropriate” about what they enjoy.
- Let them lead the way when it comes to who feels safe to them.
- Don’t give them a hard time about the details of clothing. Clothing is an expression of identity and matters a lot!
- Ditto for hair and makeup. They matter!
- Admit when you use the wrong name or pronoun. Don’t hope your child didn’t notice.
- Check in frequently with your child about who to tell and what to say.
- Talk about strategies for dealing with things that might come up. (a trip using public restrooms et al)
- Help your child build communication skills. Don’t do it all for them.
- Limit your time venting or being mad at systems that are not friendly to trans kids. Find solutions and advocate instead!
- Don’t get ahead of your child with questions and worries about future issues that they haven’t even thought about yet.
- Find support for yourself and other family members as needed.
- Give your child a hug at least once a day.
- Don’t think just saying “I support you.” is enough.
- Don’t switch pronouns back when talking about your child in the past.
- Don’t post old pictures on social media without permission and knowledge of your child.
- Don’t delay your child’s transition just because you are not ready.
- Don’t say you miss your baby-boy or baby-girl.
- Ask about and listen to their experiences and feelings daily.
- Don’t vocalize who is to blame for your child’s gender identity.
- Don’t make a fuss about getting rid of old clothes.
- Be an activist at your child’s school as needed and keep up the pressure.
- Stand behind your child even if their other parent isn’t ready or open.
- Don’t push them back in the closet because your boss or transphobic relative is coming over.
- Talk to your child about people you are telling and make sure they are comfortable.
- Don’t pressure your child to tell people if they are not ready.
- Don’t pressure your child NOT to tell people if they are ready.
- Don’t make this about you.
- Don’t make a fuss about getting rid of gender identifying possessions. (i.e. the pink laundry basket, the blue bedspread)
- Don’t hate on the name your child chooses.
- Eliminate avoidance techniques like saying “my child” and get used to pronouns.
- Learn the signs of depression. Many trans kids suffer with low mood because it can be really hard and stressful to be trans!
- Don’t let them be a hermit. Encourage social interaction.
- Ask about baby pictures around the house– especially ones that misgender your child.
- Don’t bring up your child’s former name in social situations to point out how much you liked their old name.
- Help your child learn to be an advocate for themselves and the trans community!
- Don’t spend a lot of time with “downers” who like to tell you how tough it is to be trans and how badly they feel for you.
- Don’t get upset with your child if they told someone else first. Telling parents can be the hardest.
- Keep practicing getting the pronouns right. You are not perfect and you will mess up!
- Find good resources about being trans and READ!
- Talk to professionals when needed.
- Find a support group for your child! They need to be with others who understand.
- Find or start a support group for you! You need to be with people who understand.
- Let your child explore– don’t expect them to be ultra-male or female during or after transition.
- Learn about the difference between gender and sexuality.
- Make a point of finding friendship among other families with trans members.
- Study up on the medical issues of being trans.
- Help your child with injections, doctor visits, appointment making…
- Treat this as a great adventure! (Because it is!)